Originally published in Nova Southeastern University's Digressions student magazine. President Deadly is a short bit of political absurdity based almost entirely around its final punchline.
"I would like to thank you all, people of the United States of America, for electing me, Walter Saltonstall, your new president. Even those who did not vote for me, I thank you too, because that's how democracy works. I would prefer if you had voted for me, and I wish I had a list of everyone in the country who voted against me. But I'm getting off topic.”
“When you people elected me your new leader of this free world, you were aware from my multi-billion dollar add campaign that some radical changes were going to be in store for our country. Changes that would make this land the great nation it deserves to be. Now, after much consideration and debate, I weeded out my weaker proposals and have chosen the first new law I shall enact as president of the United States. For far too long, one problem has ridden our glorious nation above all others, a problem that affects everyone: death! That's right; I can see it in your faces. Everyone here has lost someone to a fatal case of death. Well, with the power you've vested in me, I say no more death! From now own, death is dead!”
“I have asked you all if you wish for me to put an end to such travesties, and by voting for me you have answered with a resounding ‘YES’! From this moment forward, I hereby declare that death is illegal!"
The thousands gathered for Saltonstall's inauguration erupted in a deafening cheer. Of course, the president had no authority to create a law without approval by the rest of the government, and by doing so he'd probably broken at least several constitutional laws. But no one really cared in this case, as everyone hates dying. President Saltonstall blew kisses at the audience like the pope or some rock star and walked away from his podium, towards the White House.
Within hours of the president's proclamation, the police force had officers dispatched at every cemetery in the country. Corpses were being exhumed and handcuffed, while bright yellow police tape was being wrapped around the fences and gravestones. At one such cemetery, Walter Saltonstall's own mother was about to face this justice.
As the police hauled her coffin from the disturbed earth, Walter dabbed at his tearing eyes with a handkerchief embossed with the presidential seal. One of the officers brandished a crowbar and pried the coffin open. President Saltonstall watched impotently as handcuffs were slapped onto his mother's bony wrists.
"I'm sorry mom, but justice makes exceptions for no one... Besides O.J. Simpson."
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